G.I. Joe - The Rise of Cobra Review

"Knowing is half the battle" - G.I. Joe

Don't watch this. Ever. And now you know.

G.I. Joe the Rise of Cobra decided that the Transformers movie didn't destroy our childhoods enough, so it had to try to reach the bar of ineptitude set by Michael Bay. Unlike Transformers, you can at least tell what's happening in the fight scenes. Somehow, this movie is still just as bad if not worse.

I can't even give this mess a proper review, and it probably doesn't deserve one, so I'm just gonna copy-paste my immediate post-movie rant.


why did Snake-Eyes mask have a molded mouth?

why is his nickname Ripcord if he isnt a paratrooper?

why did the writer/director think that Zartan had to whistle to make me understand he shapechanged?

why does Cobra Commander look like...I don't even know what he looks like?

I am 37 and what is this? I don't even

why did Snake-Eyes carve up Storm Shadow without even getting touched?

if it's called the Rise of Cobra, why did the top 4 ranking bad guys end the movie "dead", imprisoned or under gi joe medical care?

why did Heavy Duty exist?

why did the writers feel the need to make everyone related through blood or sexual partnering?

why was everything a computer generated effect, including the sand?  is real sand too expensive?

why did the heavily guarded nanomite case have a security code...of 6 digits?

why did the bad guys drill their way into the Pit...without setting off alarms?

why were the joe computers unable to figure out who the Baroness was....BECAUSE SHE DYED HER HAIR?

why did they need to shoot the Eiffel tower only from the top of one particular building instead of down the long avenue they were driving on that had a perfect view of the tower?


I watched the Transformers cartoon in the 80s, but GI Joe was my second-biggest-thing. (after Star Wars, duh) I used to run home from school to catch episodes and the GI Joe comic was how I got into comics in the first place.So I might be biased. But this was AWFUL on every level. It wasn't funny, it wasn't dramatic, it wasn't pretty to look at, and even the action sucked.

I don't know how they decided to go with this mix of characters instead of some of the more usual pairings from the cartoon or the comics. Surely Gung-Ho or Roadblock or Quick-Kick or  Alpine and Bazooka would have provided better character interactions.

I also don't understand removing the Joes' individual uniforms or specialties. That was the whole point of the unit.

Whatever.